Beautiful Days

More days full of working hard, getting lots done, appreciating we are still getting hot and sunny days with rain now and then but not steady. Certainly was weird to prep Thanksgiving on a hot sunny day, hearing about the snow and freezing temperatures back in Oly. I missed cooking with and for the girls, especially, and wish I could send them virtual pie, but did have a fun dinner with Jason and Lauren and oh 18 or so other folks (and puppies), over at the neighbors!

Here's my typical daily pattern: wake up when the sun's been over the horizon just for maybe a half hour. I do around 20 minutes of yoga, and maybe write in my journal, as Dan needs more sleep and we have basically a one-room house, so this is a perfect time to be forced to do things that are very quiet. I'll walk around the garden to see if any fruits have dropped and check on anything recently transplanted. Then once Dan has stirred I start making the morning fruit smoothie - first soaking the chia seeds, then getting out frozen apple-bananas, a couple liliquoi, apple, ginger, maybe a papaya, lemon or lime, a partial avocado pit and some avocado (very high source of insoluble as well as soluble fiber, very good for the arteries), and whatever we have that's green (mint, chard, basil, kale). Also a little water or ice cubes. Blur it all up in the vitamix (have to turn the generator on), then add the soaked chia seeds and voila, delicious morning drink that's kind of like bubble tea, I imagine, with the pleasing tapioca-like texture of the chia seeds.

We figure out what our priorities are for the day, and then either work together or go off to do what's top of our list. Usually gardening for me and something with a large machine for Dan. Always nice when we are working together, always very interesting... like last week, Dan needed to move some steel he has been welding at neighbor's, a 74' beam that will be a bridge for the hydro pipe to pass over a small stream called Mahe Make. To move it he needs to use the big excavator he shipped here last year. He asks if I can help, so I trot along, thinking I will help him adjust it on the machine and then head back here.


Dan and excavator

But it turned out the beam needed to be steadied as he drove it back over here, a hilly half mile with many interesting obstacles to avoid. I walked at one end, keeping the beam from swinging around and hitting things, like the neighbor's shop, truck, fence, gate, and trees. This took a lot of strength as well as a certain amount of finesse to control the momentum, felt like steering a ship with a huge bow sprit through a cramped marina.

We slowly progressed, at a walking pace, back to our side of the bridge - this part was a little tricky, bridge is a one-lane, partly rotting wooden structure over a steep rocky ravine, and Dan had to drive the excavator not down the middle as he prefers, balancing the 20 tons of machine over the beams of the bridge, but off to the side so I could control the beam dangling from the excavator claws. Don't know if you can imagine this, it would have made a great picture... There actually were a couple guys in a pickup that stopped to watch us for awhile.

This was a typical daily adventure in that although I say "sure" I get to a point of thinking "not so sure!," but then eventually am proud and well yah a little boastful. Growing up with older brothers prepared me well.


Here's an early morning (moon was still out) picture of a bean and cucumber trellis we made out of the super handy bamboo stakes from the upper part of the property. This little garden patch also represents two mornings of prying out hono hono grass and perennial peanut, which is a cover crop nitrogen-fixer. After getting good and hot digging with pitchfork in the 80+ degree late morning, it's time to go down to the upper waterfall area (the one with the basking rock) to take a dip. And be amazed always at the dazzling beauty of that area, and think how I would love to share it with anyone who can venture out here!


Here I'm planting a miracle berry up on our house site. Miracle berry is a fruit that makes whatever you eat next taste as sweet as candy; lemon tastes like lemonade.


Sophie says to take more pictures of me, so here's another one, at the City of Refuge by the Great Wall, which was built around 1550. We spent a day over at the Kona side and visited this beautiful site in the evening, ancient royal grounds that provided a sanctuary for anyone in danger, during battle or if they had broken a kapu (law) that was punishable by death - such as women eating with men.

I wanted to write about what it's like being on "the other side" of the county and it's regulations... and how it looks like we finally have the go-ahead to build our house - we got an architect's stamp and submitted the plans to the county and it seems to be a go - but I have run on long enough so I will stop now.

And go prep some more garden beds.

Hoping everyone is super well in your life, and that you had a great Thanksgiving!

love and aloha,
Rachel

Rainy season starts

Hi friends and family,

It's quite fun for me to think of things to share with you all week, until I have so many things to say I can't wait for a day when we're running the generator anyway; like today, doing some laundry, too wet to work outside just yet, so I can get on my computer.

It's been storming and pouring here for a few days, 10 inches from Friday noon to Saturday noon! I was just driving back from a big plant sale at a fruit tree wholesaler, the station wagon loaded down with 24 avocados, citrus, sapote, rollinia, figs, soursop, a curry and a miracle fruit, when it started to pour, and barely has stopped since, now these babies (well some are 5 feet) have been sitting out in the yard getting knocked about by the wind... fine welcome to their new home.

When it rains like this the stream jumps up and churns reddish brown, and the waterfalls pound like thunder. Sometimes I'll think it's a jet plane going overhead low, but it's just the roar of Umaumau Falls, which is the next stream over the hill, or Kamaee Stream, which is right here. Just a few days ago I was lying out on a wonderfully smooth basking rock in the middle of Kamaee, absolutely in a state of divine sunshine bliss, as was Cinnamon the little Chihuahua neighbor dog hanging out with me. Now that rock is getting even smoother, blasted by bits of lava and clay.


Basking rock on Kamaee above small waterfall we climb through to swim below

Earlier this week was spent planting and mowing. I greatly appreciate that there are no: ticks, snakes, poison ivy, or poisonous spiders here. It amazes me that I can thrash through the tall grasses in pursuit of a lemon or some other fruit usually, without really worrying about much other than some pricker slashes from the few invasives that don't realize they are on an island and aren't supposed to need pricker protection (no indigenous mammals).

I don't like that there is: rat lung disease, which makes it so you can't eat anything fresh from the garden without careful examination, triple washing, and possibly cooking - it's a nematode carried by slugs and snails via rat host. Every other week you hear someone attest to a different version of this disease - big big deal, or no big deal, in the slug slime or not, rinse in vinegar or no difference from washing in water... It is truly amazing that this potentially life-threatening disease has received so little research that after years and years of it being in southeast Asia, now here, and moving into the south U.S., so little is understood about it. I also am not crazy about the rats that carry some other disease in their pee so you also have to be careful about the outside of things like bananas, avocados, and the luscious liliquoi that rats may have crawled over. I am always telling Jason not to just bite into those...


Giant African Snail, lured by rotting liliquoi; Dan had never seen one of these here before


Other than that, it's pretty much just mosquitoes and centipedes for biting pests, not bad at all. And the centipedes are really shy, preferring dark undersides of rotting debris, and they do eat tons of other garden bugaboos. Oh and bees, anticipating I will get stung this season, and ready to try two antidotes I've heard of - smash up/chew and apply either plantain or hono hono grass. Geckos and skinks are plentiful and companionable and also are great bug catchers, as are the beautiful and large spiders.


Maybe this tiny skink (that was in our house) eats fleas?

Also here's a picture of house so you can see where we live, temporarily, while getting everything in place to build a regular house. The everything includes - a subdivision approval to get a building permit, architect's okay on house design, plumber design for catchment and cesspool. We are actively working on all these things and hoping to get started with house this winter.


Temporary house that gets bigger and bigger as we wait for building permit... from left to right, first the living area was built, then kitchen, shower, laundry, potting shed.

There is always the irony that in our effort to live "sustainably off-grid," we are using more fossil fuels than the average town dweller, and probably more than a suburban home too. I have mowed the whole place twice and must say that one thing I didn't anticipate would be actually breathing in more gasoline fumes than usual, as I chug along behind the mower. Eventually the hydro will provide electricity and we can switch to battery-powered tools and car, but in the meantime just putting in the hydro uses a lot of fuel.

So clearly we are not reducing our carbon footprints, especially of course with the air travel added in. BUT IT IS SO COOL! And fun! And I am so pleased with being able to be here and being able to make this change in my life. I am just loving my days of working in the garden, gleaning foods, cooking, some town and neighbor visits for a bit of social life, and generally working with Dan to make all our plans take shape.

One more picture - the seedlings in the seed-start area attached to the laundry (to the far right in the house picture). Planted everything within 2 weeks of getting here and already have had to transplant half to larger pots. I am very proud of these babies, and trying to toughen both them and myself up before planting them in the harsh world of the outside garden!

October 26 - 3 weeks here

(I sent this out as an email...)

Hi friends and family,

I've been thinking of how to share Hawaiian life with everyone, and wrote a few entries in a blog but that doesn't seem to be working, so I thought I'd just send out emails now and then, and attach a few photos.

So just to start off: having been here not quite 3 weeks, after feeling very surreal for a very long time, I am finally feeling more acclimatized. Slowly and carefully I am building my routine, and my sense of what to do to make this farm work, what is my contribution and what is fun!

Every day I accumulate new bumps and bruises because everything is so new. Actually yesterday was a milestone, no new cuts! Cuts are memorable because they get infected immediately unless you keep them very clean. For example - lemon tree unkindly speared me with it's huge needles as I was kindly giving it compost. Wheelbarrow leg jammed into my leg as I yanked it over a bump. Foot got scraped as it slipped through a pallette - of course I'm wearing flip-flops as I do all these garden chores, because the box with all my work shoes is still en route (parcel post is veeerrrry slow).

Exciting new home improvement yesterday: Dan and I recrafted the laundry area/potting shed which is under a tarp attached to the side of the semi-house we are in, and expanded the potting shed to allow for many more plant starts. Plus room to hang clothes. Hanging them outside runs the risk that a cloud will come zipping over and dump on them, which happens every now and then when you thought the day was cloudless.

Here's a photo of a few fruits I scrounged the other day from the lower garden, which is in the heart of our camp and mostly has shrubs and trees now: 5 Jamaican liliquoi - they are the torpedo-shaped ones (passion-fruit, oh so delish), 2 round yellow liliquoi, the brown lump is an air potato (grows on a vine, can get very high up in trees), a variegated lemon, and a cup full of blueberry guava. The leaf is from a Ti plant, which is a greeting tree planted by every home, also very tasty cooked in lau lau.

That's it for now - time to turn off the generator and make some potting soil.

love,

Rachel

Less Than First Week

Been here since Tuesday, on Oahu since Sunday. Took a few days to feel here, especially when I didn't see the ocean on the flight. I still don't really get the island-in-the-middle-of-huge-ocean feeling as I should, it should be an overwhelmingly isolated feeling. But I feel just normal, although, very happy normal.

After being sorta dazed those first few days, what really clicked me into happy was going to the outdoor toilet and smelling (I know that doesn't sound like a promising lead-in) the strong-tea scent of - something growing by the outhouse, it could be the Ti plants, it could be the Vivee, something with a pungent but light cedary smell. In a flash that smell encompasses why I like it here - the whole feeling of being up at the farm, the puttery days with always the greater projects and visions of the place in mind, interspersed with treats of wonderful smells, unusual and amazing fruits, something remarkable growing here that just came into season. Quick diversion to discuss the liloquoi -

At cousin Erica's on Oahu, we picked a purple liloquoi (passion flower) from her yard and I loved it. The grapefruity taste, but more lemony and sweeter with little seeds bursting with lemon explosions, as Dan says. Then here at the Farm, I saw round yellow fruits along the drive, and opened one up - it was a liloquoi, even better than the purple one. So now I mix several into the morning smoothie, along with the new young ginger from the market that is so spicy, turmeric we dug up to transplant, apple bananas from the property too, avocado, chia seeds, half a beet, some kale from the garden, some pomegranate juice. Also lemons are hanging off the trees here prolifically.

I know, i know, pictures would be better.

Back to, other big parts of being here: the closeness of the community - all needing and appreciating each other or at least knowing we need to work it out because it makes a huge difference. The bird calls, waterfall sound that I keep mistaking for wind or rain. Bright blue sky, huge dome of ocean, puffy clouds, skies full of stars, or darkened with rain drifting through. Holy cow, this is my home! This is my place now, partner to Dan in crafting all our ideas and creative desires.

So how does it feel to have left - mainly, left the girls? Not great. Jason being here helps a lot. His ironic greeting, as it poured in Hilo for the first time in months the day I arrived, "It's great to have you here mom. We really needed the rain!" I feel disbelief, really, that I could leave the girls, although after several days and lots of contact (phone works well! and computer chatting), I am confident they are doing well and are really helping each other out. Ariel went to Sophie's "parent day," attended classes, and told me how fun they were. Sophie drove down to hang out with Ariel on her first lonely weekend. Ariel says my departure has made her really look at her life and realize it's up to her to be who she wants, make it what she wants, I'm not there to notice what she does with her time - she is totally her own responsibility. So this has been good for her, actually, looking very good.

I think I'll take some pictures...

Can I Get Excited Now?

(really today is Wednesday September 29)
It has been a stop-start month. Start to gear up for the big transition, then Maddy gets sick; then Ariel has to get a new house; meanwhile Sophie is dealing with strange and serious new allergies; then car gets smashed; then the latest thing was I see my wonderful doctor, who is very thorough, while I still have good medical insurance for a few more days and she is "very concerned" about the irregularity in lumpiness between my two breasts; and gets me in pronto for mammogram/sonogram (oh goody, more radiation before I fly and get radiated, after the 10 x-rays to determine my intestines were "tortuous and redundant"); but not to worry - this morning I had the exams and all is normal and healthy, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, proceed with plans!

So finally I think I am cleared for take-off. I did cry BRIEFLY when Vivian told me "if she was me" she would get it checked out because I just couldn't stand the idea of one more message from the universe saying hold on, wait a sec there honey, what makes you think you can just up and fly off to follow your whim, you got serious shit here this is a serious life full of problems and obligations and connections.

Spent today helping Ariel move. Since she is moving to accommodate Maddy, I paid for U-Haul, and pet deposit, and lunch for helpers. Very nicely she had 3 helpers earlier today and more on their way tonight, so I am back home, just have to move my stuff upstairs now so we can rent out our room (by Friday).

On review of the last 6 years, note this will be my 7th move: in 2003 I think it was, moved to Thomas St, then after the summer back to Westwood, then in the spring to Langridge for that sweet summer, then to 17th St for the year (with Sophie), then bought the house at 3211 and lived there for 2 years (with Sophie, Ariel, Kyle), then moved in here with Dan last year, now off to Big Isle. Sophie has moved even more, considering she did all those moves plus 2 dorms and 2 apartments.

Shed much baggage in all these years and moves. Although I like to pore through it each time I move, there is less and less - of course I keep the photos, and journals, and certain kid documents, that get randomly picked up and reveal bits of the past. Too busy now to even really think about what I'm doing, just got a lot to do!

Last week of work

The evening before the last week of work, for possibly ever, certainly at the county. Four more days of employment. Then a couple weeks of packing, helping Ariel move into a perfect little house hopefully so she can have Maddy, then moving myself off to Big I. No, it has not sunk in and no, I don't really believe it. Partly because I already have had two jolts of feeling I am too needed here. First with Maddy, who nearly died a few weeks ago of meningoencephalitis. We went all out with emergency vet treatment and she had an amazing recovery from coma-like (couldn't see, couldn't swallow, couldn't move head or get up) to pretty normal. You'd have to know her pretty well to know she's not completely normal. But like, she can't jump, or just a little bit, whereas she used to be very very upwardly jumpy. So this was a very pulling together of me, Ariel and Sophie (Emily), feeling very much as the Maddy team and making me feel very awkward and negligent to be leaving.



Maddy not feeling so well; we visited her at dog hospital (ariel could you send me a better picture?)



The next thing was just a few days ago, Sophie has been getting bad allergic reactions at school, probably to corn. She called me with hands swelling, tongue swollen and bumpy, difficulty breathing - and she is too pressured to go to her lab class rather than go get help! !!!! At least i convinced her to call the health center (closed) and stop at the student store and get benadryl (which had cornstarch). And to let her teacher and others know what she was going through, in case she passed out. I was just about to drive up to Tacoma, I found out where her lab was, and hand deliver corn-free benadryl when she said not to, that she had already taken the other benadryl and told her teacher etc. Finally she did go to the health center and get some other medication and the advice to get to an allergist ASAP.

So again, I feel totally irresponsible to be leaving the continent when these urgent family matters are benefited by my presence. ON the other hand, Ariel and Sophie are super competent and have most things under control... and have each other... friends and employers (well just Ariel) who are there for emergencies. I will still be able to give lots of advice over the phone/text/videochat/email. But it is painful and not a good choice to have to make, this future opening wide with love in Hawaii potential vs. the love and care of the daughters that are here. (Jason is there, however, and he could use love and care, even though he may not think he needs it :)

Think now is a good time to go for a run.

May Be

A lovely, fresh morning. Blue sky above the bright greens of spring. Very special in Olympia - sun lighting up the world, blue setting it off. A May weekend ripe for gardening, hiking. Today I will plant the scarlet runner beans and otherwise putter in the garden, rechecking the broccoli for slugs, taking the Remay off the peas and chard sprouts (peas were devastated by I suspect a bird, probably a jay, pulled out the sprouts to eat the seeds) :(

Nice of us to feed the wildlife though. Hopefully that's how Ernie felt when a bald eagle swooped off with one of his chickens. That was last year, now they have wires strung all over the top of the chicken yard.

Other than beans, I have eye appointment at 11:30 I am thinking of bicycling to, and nothing planned until 7:00 meeting painter friend to give another estimate on deck repainting at my house. The first estimate if I go for the whole thing would cost $2936! But it is itemized and I could do some myself - ie, remove lattice $400, remove and dispose of the fiberglass roof under deck $550.

This is fascinating stuff I know but here's the suspenseful connection - getting glasses because preparing to not have them covered as well under health care when I move to Hawaii. Getting deck done so I can re-rent to a nice solid household and have mortgage covered while I am there. But I may need to get someone new to be my property manager, as Ariel is thinking of bookin' it to Oahu herself.

Several big developments in the strategy towards Hawaii life with Dan:
*told supervisor Art at work I will be leaving in September!
*told workmates same, more solidly than previously, which also resulted in learning another member of our team is also quitting - at the end of this month!
*big one - Emily got a great financial aid offer from Puget Sound University, due to her good grades, and just back from Oahu we visited the school yesterday and talked with a financial aid counselor, and found out it will be even better when I no longer have a job (perversely pleasing). We had a guided tour of campus (the art of walking backwards while talking, it's really very important in a guide so you don't feel you are tagging along but are being engaged) and saw dorm (ok), swimming pool, talked to a psych dept teacher (she was great), ate lunch at the cafeteria (many vegan options, organic/local-ish salad bar - but not like cooking for yourself from the coop).

Shouls have taken camera, extremely photogenic day on extremely photogenic, small and quaint campus. I can see Emily loving it there, so that is exciting :)

Good Oly Days

Yesterday I made the following list:

And this was the secret to a very satisfying day.Began with the satisfaction of cleaning up the room, at least the floor. Then the first serious putter in the garden, which was basically chopping up weeds, shaking out soil, and starting to reestablish garden beds. Then went Coop shopping with Emily, during which time I made a mess with each item I was getting - overspilled the bulk oil, dribbled the beans, blopped the tahini. I said to Em, I should volunteer here as a clean-up person. Anyway we got quite a bit of food, with a good focus on vegetarian staples like rice and beans, but they added up ($180). Came home and took Madders for a good run, shorts and t-shirt weather, one of the medium-length runs from here, through the meadow (looked like the bald eagle was back), down to Evergreen (windier day then I thought) and through the woods (so many trilliums blooming) and back out near Doug's house and home.
Then a very satisfying shower because I was sooo dirty.
...i'm going to have to finish this later...
4-25 - this is later, and I am having a VERY similar day, only took Emma on the same walk with Maddy (slight variation in trails). Even had a nap too, and cleaned up room, and am going to garden next. Yesterday was Procession, the all-year Oly high for feeling satisfied, impressed and lifted by all the great and extroverted folks who come out to prance and play. Great drumming and good music all around, well spaced. Samba Olywa has like 200 people or something! I love all the bodies being flaunted. Tons of kids this year, too, meadows of em. Sprinkling throughout of people I know, but I went alone and did feel kind of cast away, without a kid or friend or partner to wander with.

The smiley face at the bottom of the list is because I added "tibor's thing" (he gave a great presentation on his parents journey through and out of Auschwitz and into Canada) after I went - in compulsive list fashion. The pleasure of looking back at the list.

Post Hawaii and a Little Texas

The month of March was 3 weeks in Hawaii being submerged into farm girl, back to Oly for less than a week and then to Texas to a conference for 4 days and now I am here in Oly again - home that is.

This time I am having a hard time readjusting - actually i guess I did last time, too. I mean I am very happy here, especially with Ariel now moved in upstairs with Em, the 2 dogs, and plenty busy-ness around them and that, but very hard to adjust to the dynamic again of being here, being into work and home when I am starting to have a mental home in the middle of the ocean. I went from those three submerged weeks of feeling what life could be like in Hilo, and loving it, loving the every-dayness of it, starting to feel important and essential, to being plopped back into my "real life" which has nothing to do with it. Here's a typical day:


-wake up to sun slanting into my eyes, that cardinal singing in the leggy tree; the sun lights up the inside of the mosquito net around our bed so it is like being inside a glowing nest
-seeing that it's early, and that there's a big cloud that the sun is about to go behind
-lazing a little more, while Dan sleeps and eventually startles me by saying, wide awake-like, Good Morning!
-I ask him if he dreamt, planning to share the snippet I remember, and he goes off on a 20-minute full feature adventure-drama (maybe he has dreamed of flying... ) while I slowly lose my snippet


-Jason or Bear or Joy come into the kitchen and say something amusing-teasing (Jason) or apologetic (Joy) or just "good risin', what're you doin today" (Bear)
-and so we get up... share a huge papaya or make some oatmeal
-Dan goes up to work on the road - hops on the noisy dirt bike, dashes off like a kid with his safari-style hat flapping - up the hill to where his big Cat is, doing a job for a neighbor
-I commence puttering - transplant some seedlings, feed the chickens, maybe some laundry, work on the Farm Plan or another computer task related to farm
-Go for a run, up and down the hills, get drizzled on just as I'm getting hot, maybe at the end go down through the bamboo patch to the waterfall pond, swim about in the cold water
-back up at the house chat with jason, maybe do a little yoga, take a shower
-make lunch for dan, who usually comes down around 2; something like leftover lentils made into a salad with chips and guac
-he eats it with great appreciation for the presence of myself and my preparation of food for him
-he then does some computer stuff; or maybe returns to the project and I return to puttering.



The evenings are stir-fries with fish eaten in the dark, and either some music making or taking turns checking e-mail and facebook and just chatting until bed.



So, there I was all immersed, and then plop back I come on a Monday overnight flight, Ariel gets me, home we come, big house, lots of news; that week Emily and I help Ariel move down; things in Oly keep reminding me of Hilo; I go to work 3 days, do a ton of stuff, Emily has not found a good option for the fall but is trying hard to get applications in everywhere that might make sense, I help with a financial aid form, UHawaii Hilo fee, then off to Texas on Monday.



Texas (Austin) is very surreal and I miss Hawaii very much, hearing the mourning doves and seeing palms and feeling warmth. Although super busy and distracted and involved I am also lonely for Dan. But I am present, not distant, taking it all in, making friends, exploring, focusing hard on how to bring the messages of public health impacts from climate change to people who are increasingly suspicious of any such science.

My highlight is the last morning, I go for a long run and discover a juice bar that has Hilo-natural food store essence, get a "Thai Wonderful" juice of carrot, ginger, beet, coconut, cayenne wow, it was just perfect and very Hawaii, am able to keep running because it was light enough but nourishing. Then to the outdoor pool (staying at the Four Seasons) where it feels very Texas as I swim in warm chlorine and sunbathe under a skyscraper listening to Fleetwood Mac ("I am, waiting for the suun, to come uup, I can't heear, you're small voice... " no no! I checked, it's "I can't sleeep, with your warm waays" (!!).

Well my point here in this long randomly illustrated post was how I am going to make all this happen. The strategic plan connecting my kids here on the mainland, family on the east coast, with my new life and my love and my passion out in ridiculously impractical Hawaii.

I have not fully itemized that plan but as this is so long I will leave it at that for now. Sorry no pics from Texas, it looks just like the Four Seasons website (used to say, postcard) so original pictures seemed silly.




-

About Prayer (Warning: Rant)

Prayer works, some people are sure of it - I was talking with a friend, Eric, the other day who had an experience with cancer and felt that the prayer of friends around the world definitely helped. So I asked, Why does it only work sometimes? I was thinking of Jackie, who just died of brain cancer and had hundreds of people praying for her; people really good at prayer, people who were devotees of a guru and spent a lot of time connecting with each other metaphysically specifically to heal (this was her specialty).

Eric's answer was, there's a reason for it when it does or doesn't - also he said when he prays he doesn't ask for a cure, he asks for the right thing to happen. I said, hmm.

But lying in bed this morning, I had the following rant, in my head. What possible reason is there for all the horrible things that happen to people? I don't need to list them - make your own list (sources: news, history, documentaries, books, things that have happened to friends and relatives and maybe yourself). There cannot be a GOOD THING that comes from all that horrible suffering bad stuff to innocent kids, people, animals, planet.

Okay so the good thing may be interpreted as - other people will then realize how bad this is. And then be better. So the world should be gradually getting better. Except bad things keep on happening, people are not getting better at solving problems, people still kill each other with elaborate planning or spontaneous anger or by texting while driving. People still get horrid cancers. Species go extinct. The planet is whacked out on CO2 that is a measurement of our inability to curtail our greedy behavior. So some people are going green. Some people are meditating and reaching new levels of enlightenment. It is not saving the majority of suffering.

There's no balancing out going on. No justice, no fairness. Prayer may work - it does look like we are able to influence things outside our own bodies, we have connections to each other and possibly to all life that we haven't been able to measure or identify scientifically. But it only works sometimes, somewhat randomly, not for a grand design or because that person "still has work to do on this planet" - we are not that important. There is no grand scheme, unless it is to expel people from the planet and let it recover in peace.