Can I Get Excited Now?

(really today is Wednesday September 29)
It has been a stop-start month. Start to gear up for the big transition, then Maddy gets sick; then Ariel has to get a new house; meanwhile Sophie is dealing with strange and serious new allergies; then car gets smashed; then the latest thing was I see my wonderful doctor, who is very thorough, while I still have good medical insurance for a few more days and she is "very concerned" about the irregularity in lumpiness between my two breasts; and gets me in pronto for mammogram/sonogram (oh goody, more radiation before I fly and get radiated, after the 10 x-rays to determine my intestines were "tortuous and redundant"); but not to worry - this morning I had the exams and all is normal and healthy, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, proceed with plans!

So finally I think I am cleared for take-off. I did cry BRIEFLY when Vivian told me "if she was me" she would get it checked out because I just couldn't stand the idea of one more message from the universe saying hold on, wait a sec there honey, what makes you think you can just up and fly off to follow your whim, you got serious shit here this is a serious life full of problems and obligations and connections.

Spent today helping Ariel move. Since she is moving to accommodate Maddy, I paid for U-Haul, and pet deposit, and lunch for helpers. Very nicely she had 3 helpers earlier today and more on their way tonight, so I am back home, just have to move my stuff upstairs now so we can rent out our room (by Friday).

On review of the last 6 years, note this will be my 7th move: in 2003 I think it was, moved to Thomas St, then after the summer back to Westwood, then in the spring to Langridge for that sweet summer, then to 17th St for the year (with Sophie), then bought the house at 3211 and lived there for 2 years (with Sophie, Ariel, Kyle), then moved in here with Dan last year, now off to Big Isle. Sophie has moved even more, considering she did all those moves plus 2 dorms and 2 apartments.

Shed much baggage in all these years and moves. Although I like to pore through it each time I move, there is less and less - of course I keep the photos, and journals, and certain kid documents, that get randomly picked up and reveal bits of the past. Too busy now to even really think about what I'm doing, just got a lot to do!

Last week of work

The evening before the last week of work, for possibly ever, certainly at the county. Four more days of employment. Then a couple weeks of packing, helping Ariel move into a perfect little house hopefully so she can have Maddy, then moving myself off to Big I. No, it has not sunk in and no, I don't really believe it. Partly because I already have had two jolts of feeling I am too needed here. First with Maddy, who nearly died a few weeks ago of meningoencephalitis. We went all out with emergency vet treatment and she had an amazing recovery from coma-like (couldn't see, couldn't swallow, couldn't move head or get up) to pretty normal. You'd have to know her pretty well to know she's not completely normal. But like, she can't jump, or just a little bit, whereas she used to be very very upwardly jumpy. So this was a very pulling together of me, Ariel and Sophie (Emily), feeling very much as the Maddy team and making me feel very awkward and negligent to be leaving.



Maddy not feeling so well; we visited her at dog hospital (ariel could you send me a better picture?)



The next thing was just a few days ago, Sophie has been getting bad allergic reactions at school, probably to corn. She called me with hands swelling, tongue swollen and bumpy, difficulty breathing - and she is too pressured to go to her lab class rather than go get help! !!!! At least i convinced her to call the health center (closed) and stop at the student store and get benadryl (which had cornstarch). And to let her teacher and others know what she was going through, in case she passed out. I was just about to drive up to Tacoma, I found out where her lab was, and hand deliver corn-free benadryl when she said not to, that she had already taken the other benadryl and told her teacher etc. Finally she did go to the health center and get some other medication and the advice to get to an allergist ASAP.

So again, I feel totally irresponsible to be leaving the continent when these urgent family matters are benefited by my presence. ON the other hand, Ariel and Sophie are super competent and have most things under control... and have each other... friends and employers (well just Ariel) who are there for emergencies. I will still be able to give lots of advice over the phone/text/videochat/email. But it is painful and not a good choice to have to make, this future opening wide with love in Hawaii potential vs. the love and care of the daughters that are here. (Jason is there, however, and he could use love and care, even though he may not think he needs it :)

Think now is a good time to go for a run.

May Be

A lovely, fresh morning. Blue sky above the bright greens of spring. Very special in Olympia - sun lighting up the world, blue setting it off. A May weekend ripe for gardening, hiking. Today I will plant the scarlet runner beans and otherwise putter in the garden, rechecking the broccoli for slugs, taking the Remay off the peas and chard sprouts (peas were devastated by I suspect a bird, probably a jay, pulled out the sprouts to eat the seeds) :(

Nice of us to feed the wildlife though. Hopefully that's how Ernie felt when a bald eagle swooped off with one of his chickens. That was last year, now they have wires strung all over the top of the chicken yard.

Other than beans, I have eye appointment at 11:30 I am thinking of bicycling to, and nothing planned until 7:00 meeting painter friend to give another estimate on deck repainting at my house. The first estimate if I go for the whole thing would cost $2936! But it is itemized and I could do some myself - ie, remove lattice $400, remove and dispose of the fiberglass roof under deck $550.

This is fascinating stuff I know but here's the suspenseful connection - getting glasses because preparing to not have them covered as well under health care when I move to Hawaii. Getting deck done so I can re-rent to a nice solid household and have mortgage covered while I am there. But I may need to get someone new to be my property manager, as Ariel is thinking of bookin' it to Oahu herself.

Several big developments in the strategy towards Hawaii life with Dan:
*told supervisor Art at work I will be leaving in September!
*told workmates same, more solidly than previously, which also resulted in learning another member of our team is also quitting - at the end of this month!
*big one - Emily got a great financial aid offer from Puget Sound University, due to her good grades, and just back from Oahu we visited the school yesterday and talked with a financial aid counselor, and found out it will be even better when I no longer have a job (perversely pleasing). We had a guided tour of campus (the art of walking backwards while talking, it's really very important in a guide so you don't feel you are tagging along but are being engaged) and saw dorm (ok), swimming pool, talked to a psych dept teacher (she was great), ate lunch at the cafeteria (many vegan options, organic/local-ish salad bar - but not like cooking for yourself from the coop).

Shouls have taken camera, extremely photogenic day on extremely photogenic, small and quaint campus. I can see Emily loving it there, so that is exciting :)

Good Oly Days

Yesterday I made the following list:

And this was the secret to a very satisfying day.Began with the satisfaction of cleaning up the room, at least the floor. Then the first serious putter in the garden, which was basically chopping up weeds, shaking out soil, and starting to reestablish garden beds. Then went Coop shopping with Emily, during which time I made a mess with each item I was getting - overspilled the bulk oil, dribbled the beans, blopped the tahini. I said to Em, I should volunteer here as a clean-up person. Anyway we got quite a bit of food, with a good focus on vegetarian staples like rice and beans, but they added up ($180). Came home and took Madders for a good run, shorts and t-shirt weather, one of the medium-length runs from here, through the meadow (looked like the bald eagle was back), down to Evergreen (windier day then I thought) and through the woods (so many trilliums blooming) and back out near Doug's house and home.
Then a very satisfying shower because I was sooo dirty.
...i'm going to have to finish this later...
4-25 - this is later, and I am having a VERY similar day, only took Emma on the same walk with Maddy (slight variation in trails). Even had a nap too, and cleaned up room, and am going to garden next. Yesterday was Procession, the all-year Oly high for feeling satisfied, impressed and lifted by all the great and extroverted folks who come out to prance and play. Great drumming and good music all around, well spaced. Samba Olywa has like 200 people or something! I love all the bodies being flaunted. Tons of kids this year, too, meadows of em. Sprinkling throughout of people I know, but I went alone and did feel kind of cast away, without a kid or friend or partner to wander with.

The smiley face at the bottom of the list is because I added "tibor's thing" (he gave a great presentation on his parents journey through and out of Auschwitz and into Canada) after I went - in compulsive list fashion. The pleasure of looking back at the list.

Post Hawaii and a Little Texas

The month of March was 3 weeks in Hawaii being submerged into farm girl, back to Oly for less than a week and then to Texas to a conference for 4 days and now I am here in Oly again - home that is.

This time I am having a hard time readjusting - actually i guess I did last time, too. I mean I am very happy here, especially with Ariel now moved in upstairs with Em, the 2 dogs, and plenty busy-ness around them and that, but very hard to adjust to the dynamic again of being here, being into work and home when I am starting to have a mental home in the middle of the ocean. I went from those three submerged weeks of feeling what life could be like in Hilo, and loving it, loving the every-dayness of it, starting to feel important and essential, to being plopped back into my "real life" which has nothing to do with it. Here's a typical day:


-wake up to sun slanting into my eyes, that cardinal singing in the leggy tree; the sun lights up the inside of the mosquito net around our bed so it is like being inside a glowing nest
-seeing that it's early, and that there's a big cloud that the sun is about to go behind
-lazing a little more, while Dan sleeps and eventually startles me by saying, wide awake-like, Good Morning!
-I ask him if he dreamt, planning to share the snippet I remember, and he goes off on a 20-minute full feature adventure-drama (maybe he has dreamed of flying... ) while I slowly lose my snippet


-Jason or Bear or Joy come into the kitchen and say something amusing-teasing (Jason) or apologetic (Joy) or just "good risin', what're you doin today" (Bear)
-and so we get up... share a huge papaya or make some oatmeal
-Dan goes up to work on the road - hops on the noisy dirt bike, dashes off like a kid with his safari-style hat flapping - up the hill to where his big Cat is, doing a job for a neighbor
-I commence puttering - transplant some seedlings, feed the chickens, maybe some laundry, work on the Farm Plan or another computer task related to farm
-Go for a run, up and down the hills, get drizzled on just as I'm getting hot, maybe at the end go down through the bamboo patch to the waterfall pond, swim about in the cold water
-back up at the house chat with jason, maybe do a little yoga, take a shower
-make lunch for dan, who usually comes down around 2; something like leftover lentils made into a salad with chips and guac
-he eats it with great appreciation for the presence of myself and my preparation of food for him
-he then does some computer stuff; or maybe returns to the project and I return to puttering.



The evenings are stir-fries with fish eaten in the dark, and either some music making or taking turns checking e-mail and facebook and just chatting until bed.



So, there I was all immersed, and then plop back I come on a Monday overnight flight, Ariel gets me, home we come, big house, lots of news; that week Emily and I help Ariel move down; things in Oly keep reminding me of Hilo; I go to work 3 days, do a ton of stuff, Emily has not found a good option for the fall but is trying hard to get applications in everywhere that might make sense, I help with a financial aid form, UHawaii Hilo fee, then off to Texas on Monday.



Texas (Austin) is very surreal and I miss Hawaii very much, hearing the mourning doves and seeing palms and feeling warmth. Although super busy and distracted and involved I am also lonely for Dan. But I am present, not distant, taking it all in, making friends, exploring, focusing hard on how to bring the messages of public health impacts from climate change to people who are increasingly suspicious of any such science.

My highlight is the last morning, I go for a long run and discover a juice bar that has Hilo-natural food store essence, get a "Thai Wonderful" juice of carrot, ginger, beet, coconut, cayenne wow, it was just perfect and very Hawaii, am able to keep running because it was light enough but nourishing. Then to the outdoor pool (staying at the Four Seasons) where it feels very Texas as I swim in warm chlorine and sunbathe under a skyscraper listening to Fleetwood Mac ("I am, waiting for the suun, to come uup, I can't heear, you're small voice... " no no! I checked, it's "I can't sleeep, with your warm waays" (!!).

Well my point here in this long randomly illustrated post was how I am going to make all this happen. The strategic plan connecting my kids here on the mainland, family on the east coast, with my new life and my love and my passion out in ridiculously impractical Hawaii.

I have not fully itemized that plan but as this is so long I will leave it at that for now. Sorry no pics from Texas, it looks just like the Four Seasons website (used to say, postcard) so original pictures seemed silly.




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About Prayer (Warning: Rant)

Prayer works, some people are sure of it - I was talking with a friend, Eric, the other day who had an experience with cancer and felt that the prayer of friends around the world definitely helped. So I asked, Why does it only work sometimes? I was thinking of Jackie, who just died of brain cancer and had hundreds of people praying for her; people really good at prayer, people who were devotees of a guru and spent a lot of time connecting with each other metaphysically specifically to heal (this was her specialty).

Eric's answer was, there's a reason for it when it does or doesn't - also he said when he prays he doesn't ask for a cure, he asks for the right thing to happen. I said, hmm.

But lying in bed this morning, I had the following rant, in my head. What possible reason is there for all the horrible things that happen to people? I don't need to list them - make your own list (sources: news, history, documentaries, books, things that have happened to friends and relatives and maybe yourself). There cannot be a GOOD THING that comes from all that horrible suffering bad stuff to innocent kids, people, animals, planet.

Okay so the good thing may be interpreted as - other people will then realize how bad this is. And then be better. So the world should be gradually getting better. Except bad things keep on happening, people are not getting better at solving problems, people still kill each other with elaborate planning or spontaneous anger or by texting while driving. People still get horrid cancers. Species go extinct. The planet is whacked out on CO2 that is a measurement of our inability to curtail our greedy behavior. So some people are going green. Some people are meditating and reaching new levels of enlightenment. It is not saving the majority of suffering.

There's no balancing out going on. No justice, no fairness. Prayer may work - it does look like we are able to influence things outside our own bodies, we have connections to each other and possibly to all life that we haven't been able to measure or identify scientifically. But it only works sometimes, somewhat randomly, not for a grand design or because that person "still has work to do on this planet" - we are not that important. There is no grand scheme, unless it is to expel people from the planet and let it recover in peace.

experimenting with layout

Just want to see if I can put things into categories. This is work-related research...